LISBON, Ohio — Goats were banned from Columbiana County today after a rampaging herd of Toggenburgs destroyed the county courthouse, a 19th-century landmark.
According to witnesses, local farmer Mel Hirsel was herding his herd through town in a reenactment of 1800s farming practices when a roaring pack of Harley-Davidson riders spooked the animals, which ran for cover. That cover turned out to be the open doors of the county courthouse.
Running up the stone steps, the goats ignored sheriff’s deputies stationed at the entrance as they raced in panic through the metal detectors, ignoring the signs about removing all metal objects, their collars setting off a blaring “Warning!” from the scanner computer. Once inside the courthouse, several goats rushed into the office of county Recorder Greg Braun, a longtime opponent of farmers and all they stand for. One goat jumped on Braun’s desk and began eating his latest batch of paperwork designed to oust all farmers from Columbiana County, and several others raced around the room, butting visitors and assistants and leaving in their wake trails of goat berries.
A second group of goats ran upstairs and entered the office of Clerk of Courts Antonio D’Antonio, destroying records from a pending anti-mob case that were years in the making.
“This is the work of the Sandy and Beaver Six!” yelled D’Antonio, referring to the local crime organization whose headquarters is hidden somewhere in Beaver Creek State Park.
Within the hour, Braun had convinced county commissioners to enact legislation banning all goats from Columbiana County.
“This is the just the start!” proclaimed Braun. “By the end of April, all these irresponsible, lazy, hapless farmers will be sent packing, and we will finally fulfill my dream of creating an industrial county where once stood useless barns and silos. No more piles of manure in Columbiana County; from now on, we’ll have only smokestacks, steel mills and nuclear power plants.”