Ohio’s Amish Country is in flames after a price protest at a popular tourist store sparked mass riots on Tuesday.
Witnesses say a man left a hardware store in a small village about 60 miles southwest of Cleveland grumbling about $4 beeswax candles, commandeered a horse-drawn “Der Vorrat” delivery wagon, set afire the newspapers intended for delivery to Amish farms, and crashed the wagon through the new entrance doors of the recently remodeled store.
The man jumped from the wagon yelling “Sic semper avida!” (Thus always to the greedy), catching his boot on the side of the wagon and twisting his ankle when he hit the floor. He hobbled from the store clutching a handful of free brochures and was last seen galloping over the hill on a stolen Amish horse.
The mystery man’s actions quickly led to a riot among other customers. “We’re sick of tourist trap prices!” yelled a woman from Jonesville who wished to remain anonymous.
By nightfall, the area known as Amish Country in Stark, Tuscarawas, Holmes and Wayne counties was in flames as the riot spread and tourists broke down the doors of quilt shops, faux Amish furniture stores, and Donald Kinkaid galleries; poured kerosene used to run generators in Amish stores over the goods; and set fire to the stores.
The area has been cordoned off and declared a military zone. The Ohio National Guard is off fighting in Iraq, so area Boy Scouts are patrolling Amish Country and helping search for the mystery riot-monger, who remains at large. Scouts have been interrogating a Dr. Lehm, who allegedly treated the escaped man’s twisted ankle.
“What sticks in my craw,” said Amos Hostetter of Charming, “is my missing ‘Vorrat’. How’m I supposed to know what’s happenin’ at cousin Mahlon’s congregation in Illinoyz?”