Who, What, When, Where & Wiandt

This is a funny story my friend Andy sent me. Andy is an Ohio native who’s been living in South Carolina with his wife, Debbie. He calls the story “Southern Experience.”

This is a true story.   An experience I had yesterday while out of town on business.   There is no way I could make it up.   Follow closely.

A few weeks ago while in Northern North Carolina, I passed through a small town called Ayden.   It was no more than a cross roads with a traffic light.   That same evening after arriving home, I was watching the Food Channel and a feature story came on about “Barbeque”.   The final 10 minutes of the program was about a restaurant that was in this town of Ayden.   It was known as the barbeque capitol of the world.   I thought what a shame as I missed the chance to eat there.   I figured my next trip to that area would include a stop there.   Yesterday I happened to pass the same town at around lunch time and decided what a good time to find this place and enjoy a good lunch there.   Here’s what happened.

Without knowing the name of this restaurant, I assumed everyone would know it and direct me to it.   I stopped at a small mom and pop type convenience store to ask directions   Inside was a rather large gal perched on a stool behind the counter.   I asked for directions and her response was, “wait a minute, I’ll get Luther, he knows everything around here.   Hey Luther, come here this young feller needs directions.”   When she opened her mouth I realized she was the poster child for the saying “nice tooth.”   Luther came from the back room dressed in his bib overalls, dirty tee shirt and was tote’n a cup where he was spittin his chew.

The conversation went this way and I quote it the best I could.

Luther:   Whatcha need sonny?   ( sonny? he was maybe 10 years younger than me)

Andy:   I am looking for the famous barbeque restaurant here, can you help me?

Luther:   You mean Johnnies?

Andy;   I don’t know the name of it, sorry.

Luther;   We’ll, y’all just go down this here road to the crossroads and turn this way.

 (from his motion I figured he meant turn left)

Andy;   And?

Luther;   You go all the way on out there.

Andy;   All the way out there?

Luther;   Yepper, all the way.

Andy;   How far is it?

Luther;   It’s a furr piece on out there.

Andy;   Oh, OK.   (I’ll play your silly game)

Andy;   How will I know when I get there?

Luther;   Well, y’all will know.

Andy;   OK, I guess you can smell the barbeque then?

Luther;   Oh garsh no!   It smells like a dag gummed pig farm!

Luther; Heck, there’s a sign out there.

Andy;   So the name is on it?

Luther; Don’t rightly know, t’aint seen it in years.   ( obviously back when he could read maybe)

Andy;   OK my friend, I’ll find it.   (turned to walk out)

Luther;   Y’all have a good day now.

I left and started my journey to the restaurant.    It was no more than two miles and truthfully when I got there I knew I found the right place.   The ole guy who ran this place (I remembered from the Food Channel) had taken it upon himself to award himself the title of barbeque capitol of the world”.   He added to the roof of this building an exact duplicate of the capitol building in Washington DC including the flag flying out of the top of the dome.   I had arrived.   I had lunch   (a huge plate of barbequed pork, cole slaw and something he called bread, no idea what it was but it could be used as armor plate by the military).   All this for $4.50.   Fantastic!

I took pictures with my cam/phone but they were not clear enough to add to this, so you need to trust me on it.

The only thing missing from this experience was the banjo playing the music from “Deliverance”

I thought you’d enjoy a good laugh today.   I know I did yesterday.

I just finished watching “The Wolf Man” on a VHS tape I bought at a flea market. This is one of my favorite monster movies. I’ve always liked the Wolf Man. I used to have a werewolf mask with real fake fur. It covered my whole head. Very cool. When I think of Halloween, I think of wearing masks and their smells. Part rubber or plastic, part paint, part sweat. Fake hair or fur has a distinct smell, too.

I noticed in the movie, when Lon Chaney Jr.  first turned into the Wolf Man he was wearing light colored pants and a white undershirt (some would call it a wife beater, but I don’t like that term). In that scene, you only saw his feet change. The next thing you see is the Wolf Man prowling through the marsh, and he’s wearing dark pants and a dark, long-sleeved shirt. Did he change his clothes before going out? Every time he changed into the Wolf Man, he changed into that same black outfit.

I’ll never forget when I won a free comic book subscription for a question I submitted to the Marvel Comics Group. I asked why Bruce Banner was always wearing purple pants when he changed into the Hulk. Who wears purple pants every day? Donnie Osmond wasn’t even doing that. Only his socks were purple when he and sister Marie had a show in the ’70s. Remember?

O.K. How did get from talking about the Wolf Man to Donnie Osmond?

Here’s a quick doodle of how Chief Boohoo would look.

These are scans from an 8-page advertisement that appeared in the 1965-66 fall season preview issue of TV Guide. There’s nothing like classic TV caricatures by Jack Davis.

Thursday was like picture day only I’m not in kindergarten and the photographer didn’t comb my hair straight down over my forehead like I was a little Moe Howard in a plaid green shirt. No, today was the day I renewed my driver’s license. This isn’t the point where I  complain about waiting in a long line or sitting in an uncomfortable chair for an hour. I barely got sat down when I heard the woman behind the counter ask, “May I help you?”

After telling her why I was there and giving her my paperwork, I felt kind of sneaky when she asked me to step over to the vision testing machine and I took off my glasses and slipped them into the pocket of my plaid shirt (red this time).

She was wise to me, though. She asked me if I had a restriction on my license to wear my glasses while driving. I said no, and something to the effect that I wanted to prove I could continue not needing them to drive. However, since I got glasses, I’ve driven without them only  two or three  times. And those times were not long trips. So I felt like I was putting something over on the BMV.

But, I took the eye test sans specs, and even though I struggled a little at one point, I passed it.

After writing a check for $73.50 for the new license and the little sticker for my plate (which reads 11-08, by the way, the month and year it expires, but also the month and DAY of my birthday), it was “picture time.” This time, however,  no one took it upon himself to slick down my hair for me. I was only told to look straight ahead. And I did. I stood like a statue like I was posing for some Civil War tintype. You would’ve thought that any minute  a puff of black smoke would come up from the camera.

Here’s what bugs me:  Even though I practiced seven different smiles in the mirror that morning, the picture came out looking bad. I looked like a big, dumb, dark-haired, white gumdrop head. If I would have come to the BMV wearing a cowboy hat I would’ve looked like Hoss Cartwright reincarnated.

I can remember one picture day. I was in seventh grade and the morning of picture day I was all worked up because I didn’t know it was picture day and I hadn’t worn a nice shirt, like something in a red or green plaid. Instead I was wearing my light blue, short-sleeved Captain America sweatshirt, which I really loved but didn’t feel was appropriate for picture day. I don’t know why I was so worked up. Maybe I was worried my mom would be mad I didn’t dress up more.

What was kind of ironic was for some reason, when everyone got their pictures back, mine didn’t turn out or got lost. So my parents took me to Fisher’s Big Wheel to get my picture taken. I wore my dark blue turtleneck sweater. Which would’ve been fine except the photographer’s backdrop was dark blue, too, so my big, round face looked the moon coming out.

What’s really funny is a year or two later,  I  purposely wore on picture day  a T-shirt with a generic detective comic strip across the chest. By that time I couldn’t care less what I wore, as long as I looked  cool (in my eyes).

Come to think of it, my wife bought me a Captain America T-shirt from Steve and Barry’s last summer. I should have worn that on Thursday. That would’ve been cool.

Well, as you know, unless you’ve been living under a rock, the Indians lost the ACLS Sunday night. It was sad, but hey they finished in the top 3! I wanted to draw a cartoon of Chief Wahoo with a tear in his eye. Haven’t gotten around to it (yet).

The Indians lost last night. We’ll have to get those Sox on Saturday. (I never intended to do a daily sports blog. I don’t pretend to. I may have more on the series, I may not.)

The Cleveland Indians win again! It’s almost hard to believe. You can read all about it in Jeffrey Zupanic’s coverage in The Review. Click here for today’s game story.

http://www.the-review.com/news/article/2712681

The Indians beat the Red Sox 4-2, making their lead 2-1 in the ACLS.

And here is the cover of Dell Four Color #1186 (May 1961) drawn by none other than Jack Davis.

That was an exciting game Saturday night.. A late one too, but worth staying up for. Game three is tonight.