Commentary 12 Aug 2010 09:45 am
By popular demand (i.e., one halfhearted request) the male version of Abigail Van Buren returns with misogynistic advice while Chris Schillig enjoys a well-deserved week off.
DEAR SHABBY: My wife constantly calls me by her dead husband’s name, especially during intimate moments. Should I be concerned? — MY NAME’S NOT BRAD IN BELOIT
DEAR NOT BRAD: Heavens no. The best person to be in competition with is somebody who’s 6 feet under. If it really bothers you, though, start calling her by your ex-wife’s name. If you don’t have an ex-wife, use the name of a former girlfriend, a woman at work, at church, or in a restaurant where you two frequent regularly. Your wife will get the hint, and I bet all her passive-aggressive garbage will stop immediately.
DEAR SHABBY: I am getting married to the woman of my dreams. She’s perfect in every way, except one: She believes that it is her duty to do all the housework — the cleaning, the washing, the ironing, everything. I was raised to believe that household chores should be split equally, and I am afraid I will resent being waited on hand and foot for the rest of my life. Should I call off the wedding? — WANTS TO HELP IN HANOVERTON
DEAR WANTS TO HELP: Whatever you do, don’t marry this woman! Break off the engagement immediately, and then send her name, address and home phone number to Dear Shabby, who isn’t above making consolation house calls — or auctioning off the information to the highest bidder.
DEAR SHABBY: Because of the downturn in the economy, my wife and I have lost our house and are considering moving in with her parents. I am not sure this is a good idea because my mother-in-law and I have a combustible relationship. She routinely calls me the worst thing that ever happened to her daughter and once hired a voodoo priestess to pray for my death. Obviously, I am concerned for my welfare if I live under the same roof as this woman. Help! — LEERY IN LOUISVILLE
DEAR LEERY: Have you considered other options, like joining the circus or sleeping outside in a tent? Either would be preferable to life with the maniacal mother-in-law you describe. However, if you must move in, be sure to secure a copy of “Countering Voodoo Curses for Dummies 2nd ed.” or “The Idiot’s Guide to Juju Magic,” both of which are available at your local booksellers in the relationship section. These tomes teach how to protect against the evil eye and random zombie attacks. Meanwhile, the prospect of living with your in-laws should provide extra incentive to update that résumé and land a better job. Shabby hates slackers.
DEAR SHABBY: I like your column, but I get the feeling many of the letters are made up. What proof can you provide that they are real? — DOUBTING IN DAMASCUS
DEAR DOUBTING: You’re a real person, aren’t you?
Dear Shabby, who has advanced degrees in septic systems, diesel mechanics and medieval literature from two online colleges and one Cheerios box, answers readers’ questions whenever he feels like it, which isn’t often. He can be reached by e-mail through the more respectable Chris Schillig at firstname.lastname@example.org.