Commentary 24 Dec 2008 09:10 am
Here is my print column from Dec. 24, 2008. Merry Christmas, everybody!
To: President George W. Bush
From: Homeland Security
Re: Operation Fat Man
This Christmas, the U.S. intelligence community has the opportunity to capture and/or neutralize alleged terrorist “S. Claus.”
To avoid negative publicity associated with previous intelligence debacles, we have thoroughly vetted said dissident — invoking, as the Brothers Marx call it, the “Sanity Clause” — and found his activities highly suspicious. Working with a diminutive faction known as elves, he is said to create knock-off versions of brand-name toys, electronics and clothing for delivery through a system that circumvents traditional retailing. Need we remind you of the importance of retailing money to Republican campaigns and the influence of the retailers’ lobby?
Claus is said to gain illegal ingress both into the country and onto the roofs of millions of homes by means of a biologically powered aviation system that resembles a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer. A possible ninth reindeer, one Rue Dolph (a German cohort?), is rumored but not confirmed. This sled may use cutting-edge stealth technology to elude radar detection.
Worse, Claus is able to enter the homes of decent, God-fearing Americans through their chimneys. How a person of his girth can accomplish such a feat is unknown, although we suspect a “magic dust” supplied by a Mexican drug cartel.
The target has established a base in a polar mountain hideaway. There, wearing a communist-inspired suit of red, Claus directs a complex disinformation campaign designed to eradicate religion from the Yuletide season and replace it with secular humanism, whatever that is. Given our administration’s attempts to erode the separation of church and state through so-called faith-based initiatives, his actions are nearly treasonous, as he forces the masses to turn even further from what you had hoped would be the official state faith, Christianity. (And not the wimpy New Testament variety, either, but the old-school, eye-for-an-eye stuff.)
A direct link between the activities of Claus and Osama bin Laden has yet to be established, but our cryptologists — no, Mr. President, they study secret writing, not tombs — have discovered that replacing the “m” in Osama with “nt” results in O’Santa, surely no coincidence. This has led to a massive NSA wiretapping effort against both American Muslims and Irish Americans, because knee-jerk reactions initiated by little evidence are our specialty.
Complicating our efforts to gather reliable intelligence about the suspect is his habit of placing duplicates of himself in malls and at nonprofit charity fundraisers nationwide. These thousands of Santa simulacrums have yielded little information when subjected to the few interrogation methods that bleeding-heart liberals haven’t exposed as torture. Even playing Nine Inch Nails and Rage Against the Machine songs at eardrum-shattering decibels has not dissuaded them from their cover story — that they are ordinary, everyday Americans earning extra money for the holidays. Fat chance.
Mr. President, in these waning days of your administration, we urge you to declare all-out war against the North Pole and dedicate 100 percent of the nation’s available military and law enforcement resources to finding and stamping out the rogue Claus movement. Under separate cover, we are sending you a detailed plan to scour the eastern seaboard with F-22 Raptors and eliminate this scourge. We considered allowing Vice President Cheney to ride along and pull the trigger, but we feared he might take out one of our own operatives instead.
Once the American public understands this operation is vital to national security, we believe it will erase the missteps of the last eight years and cement your legacy as a tough-talking Texan with the strength of his convictions.
Whatever you decide, sir, a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and the missus. We hope you enjoy the fruitcake. Leave any leftovers in the fridge for Obama.