Commentary 18 Apr 2008 06:55 pm
Here is my column from The Alliance Review, published April 17, 2008:
This week, the Kart King — a.k.a. Sultan of Sales and Guru of Groceries — answers your questions about all things consumer. Actually, the Kart King makes up all the questions, but don’t let on: It really hurts his feelings when people say he’s talking to himself.
DEAR KART KING: Last week in aisle nine, I came upon the last bag of cat litter at the same time as a little old woman who smelled strongly of ammonia. I let her have the bag, and my cats had to use shredded newspaper for the week. Was I right to yield? — CRAZY FOR CATS IN EAST CANTON
DEAR CRAZY: All is fair in love and litter. Next time, scan the aisle carefully to make sure she isn’t accompanied by a bodybuilding son who is hopped up on steroids. Then, drop a four-pack of Nine Lives canned food on her head (she’ll be catatonic — get it, CATatonic?). Take the litter, and beat a hasty retreat with nobody the wiser. A note of caution: Make sure you knock her out with the first blow, or she might clamp down on your backside with a pair of false teeth or trip you with her walker. Note: This technique works just as well in other aisles, like coffee, snack food and frozen food. Simply substitute Maxwell House, Keebler snack cakes or a DiGiorno pizza for the Nine Lives.
DEAR KART KING: I hate it when I have my turn signal on to pull into a parking space and some sneaky devil in a sports car cuts me off and takes the spot. Should I confront him, or meekly head to the next closest space, usually at the end of the lot farthest from the store entrance? — BELLIGERENT IN BELOIT
DEAR BELLIGERENT: Unlike my answer above, I don’t recommend the direct approach. People who drive sports cars are likely to pummel complaining little girly-men like yourself, even if the space they’ve just stolen from you is marked Handicapped Only. Revenge is a dish best served cold, which means that shaving cream applied judiciously to the windshield of the car after the driver has gone inside will get the point across more effectively than having emergency workers pick pieces of your gray matter from the concrete. Kart King recommends Gillette Deep Cleansing Shave Gel. Good luck!
DEAR KART KING: I am single and lonely. The only reason I go to the store is to meet women, but so far, I haven’t had any luck. Am I crazy, or is this a good way to pick up chicks? — LONELY IN LOUISVILLE
DEAR LONELY: First, don’t knock the single life; it saves you thousands on food alone each year. That said, if you’re really serious about finding a mate, you could do worse than the local grocery store. The worst time to troll is Saturday night, when you will appear so lonely and desperate that even other lonely and desperate people will give you a wider berth than I did that kid in third grade who threw up all over his desk and all the other kids pushed their desks away and made a ring around him because it smelled so bad. The best time to shop for companionship is Sunday morning, when you have a plausible excuse to dress up (you can say you just came from church), and single seekers of the opposite sex will do the same. Happy hunting!
If you have a question for the Kart King, who has studied consumer science in every college and university that would let him sit in the back of a classroom for a few weeks, or his mild-mannered alter ego, Chris Schillig, who may have suffered a psychotic break from reality while writing this column, e-mail email@example.com. Read Left of Cyber Center at www.the-review.com.