Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-settings.php on line 512

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-settings.php on line 527

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-settings.php on line 534

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-settings.php on line 570

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Page::start_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::start_lvl(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1199

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Page::end_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::end_lvl(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1199

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Page::start_el() should be compatible with Walker::start_el(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1199

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Page::end_el() should be compatible with Walker::end_el(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1199

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_PageDropdown::start_el() should be compatible with Walker::start_el(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1244

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Category::start_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::start_lvl(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1391

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Category::end_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::end_lvl(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1391

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Category::start_el() should be compatible with Walker::start_el(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1391

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Category::end_el() should be compatible with Walker::end_el(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1391

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_CategoryDropdown::start_el() should be compatible with Walker::start_el(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1442

Strict Standards: Redefining already defined constructor for class wpdb in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/wp-db.php on line 306

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/cache.php on line 103

Strict Standards: Redefining already defined constructor for class WP_Object_Cache in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/cache.php on line 431

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/query.php on line 61

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/theme.php on line 1109

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Comment::start_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::start_lvl(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 1266

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Comment::end_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::end_lvl(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 1266

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Comment::start_el() should be compatible with Walker::start_el(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 1266

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Comment::end_el() should be compatible with Walker::end_el(&$output) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 1266

Strict Standards: Redefining already defined constructor for class WP_Dependencies in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/class.wp-dependencies.php on line 31

Strict Standards: Redefining already defined constructor for class WP_Http in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/http.php on line 61

Warning: session_start(): Cannot send session cookie - headers already sent by (output started at /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-settings.php:512) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-content/plugins/wordpress-automatic-upgrade/wordpress-automatic-upgrade.php on line 119

Warning: session_start(): Cannot send session cache limiter - headers already sent (output started at /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-settings.php:512) in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-content/plugins/wordpress-automatic-upgrade/wordpress-automatic-upgrade.php on line 119

Strict Standards: Redefining already defined constructor for class ftp_base in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-content/plugins/wordpress-automatic-upgrade/lib/ftp_class.php on line 56

Strict Standards: Redefining already defined constructor for class ftp in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-content/plugins/wordpress-automatic-upgrade/lib/ftp_class_sockets.php on line 8
» 2014 » October
Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1002

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/dixcom/blogs.dixcdn.com/leftofcybercenter/wp-includes/kses.php on line 1003

Monthly ArchiveOctober 2014



Books & Commentary & Movies 31 Oct 2014 11:21 pm

Ebola entertainments

79997774

It wouldn’t surprise me to see a few more hazmat suits and protective-gear costumes among trick-or-treaters this year, and that’s a positive sign.

Some people find it crass to parley the Ebola virus into Halloween dress-ups, but I’m not one of them. It’s uniquely American to spit in the eye of death, so a little gallows humor in reaction to wall-to-wall Ebola coverage is not only natural, but healthy. Truth be told, your odds of being struck by a bus — or even a comet — are better than your chances of contracting Ebola, which isn’t airborne (not yet, some pundits proclaim) and is barely even in the United States, so the only thing holding Americans back from an orgy of Ebola-themed costuming is that the fear isn’t real enough.

Meanwhile, Americans should also be checking out the post-apocrypha landscape in stories and cinema. Here’s my pick of the best disease-driven entertainment for your Halloween pleasure.

“The Stand” (1978) — Some readers may find the scariest part of this novel is its size. A brick at more than 1,100 pages, Stephen King goes all Book of Revelation in the second half as survivors of a worldwide plague must decide to join the forces of good or evil. But the first half is all about Captain Trips, a flu-like disease that wipes out most of the world’s population after woebegone military and health care officials fail to contain it.

“Contagion” (2011) — A great ensemble film by Steven Soderbergh looks at another end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it (but I don’t feel fine) scenario involving a pandemic. Unlike King, Soderberg keeps the Devil at bay, but society’s flubs are scary enough. I watched this for the first time with my wife, who was nursing a wicked cold and sneezing constantly. It made the movie all the more unnerving.

“The Hot Zone” (1994) — Richard Preston made a name for himself with this nonfiction account of Ebola and several other deadly viruses. I read it on vacation in a copy that I’d bought secondhand; Preston’s description of how various virulences spread made me no longer want to touch the book or any public doorknobs, toilet seats, or restaurant tables. Creepy.

“I Am Legend” (1954) — Skip the so-so movie with Will Smith from a few years back and go straight to the source, Richard Matheson’s novella of the same name. Granted, the plague that’s being spread is vampirism, which isn’t exactly Ebola, but the results are the same: the crumbling of civilization. If you must see a filmed version, 1964’s “Last Man on Earth” with Vincent Price is a winner, while 1971’s “Omega Man” adaptation is a hippie-dippie look at a funky future.

“Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1956) — Jack Finney’s novel “The Body Snatchers” is the basis for this McCarthy-era tale of paranoia. Whom can you trust when aliens that look just like your family and friends come a-knockin’? Answer: Nobody. These aliens are as invisible as Ebola and 10 times as deadly.

“Fever Dream” (1959) — This short story by Ray Bradbury is the quintessential infectious-disease tale. A sick little boy feels that his body is being calcified from the inside out, but the doctor finds nothing wrong except a slight fever. First his legs, then his arms, then his head are subsumed, leaving behind something that only looks human. I often read this aloud to my students on Halloween because it’s so effective and affecting.

I’m sure I’ve left out some good stories about bad viruses, including tons of zombie books, movies and TV shows, so send suggestions via one of the methods below. In the meantime, wash your hands frequently, keep them away from your eyes and nose, stay home if you’re feverish, and happy Halloween.

chris.schillig@yahoo.com

cschilllig on Twitter

Commentary 23 Oct 2014 07:21 pm

Divine teaching

And it came to pass that Jesus called his disciples to him and began to teach.

He began, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs …”

“Excuse me, Lord,” said Mark. “Should we be writing this down?”

“Which standard or benchmark are you teaching?” asked John. “It’s best practice to provide a standard or a benchmark before beginning a lesson.”

Jesus ignored him and started again. “Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be … Wait a minute. Matthew, are you on your cellphone?”

“Sorry, Lord. I had to text my dad. I forgot my fishing nets at home and need him to bring them to me.”

“Excuse me, Jesus,” said Judas. “That’s not what Matthew’s doing. He’s posting on Gracebook again. I can see it from here.”

Jesus sighed. “Judas, it’s not polite to tattle. And Matthew, didn’t I tell you yesterday to stay off Gracebook during class?”

“No, you told me not to play the David and Goliath app. You didn’t say anything about Gracebook.”

“But isn’t it reasonable to assume that I want you to avoid all distractions while I teach?”

“I don’t know, but you didn’t say Gracebook.”

Jesus grinned ruefully. “All apps, Matthew.”

“Yes, Lord.”

“And Matthew? Stop pulling Mary Magdalene’s hair.”

“Yes, Lord.”

“Now, where were we? Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit …”

“Lord?”

“Andrew?”

“Can you go back to the previous Beatitude? I wasn’t done writing it down.”

“Certainly. Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be …”

“Uh, Jesus?”

“Yes, Thomas.”

“When’s the test again?”

“I’m not sure there will be a test.”

“Then why am I writing this down?”

“Because it’s important. You need to know this.”

“But how can it be important without a test?”

Peter, who had been sleeping, woke up. “Test? There’s a test?”

Luke looked up from a parody of Noah’s Ark that he’d been reading in Mad magazine. “Will it be multiple choice, true and false, or essay? Please don’t make it essay. I still have nightmares about that Ten Commandments exam. Brrr.”

“No test,” Jesus said with finality. “Now, blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for …”

Just then the classroom door opened and a Pharisee entered. He carried a long scroll that detailed all the paperwork Jesus had yet to file, including pre- and post-assessment data, a demographic breakdown of pupil backgrounds and learning styles, student learning objectives, parent-teacher conference availability and a discipline slip for teaching in sandals.

Jesus looked at the list in dismay, and just as he raised his eyes to heaven to beg that this cup be taken from him, he noticed a journalist from The Jerusalem Times lurking near the window, ready to report on his low test scores and failure to close the achievement gap between Jews and Gentiles. It was all too much.

Jesus wept.

chris.schillig@yahoo.com

cschillig on Twitter

Commentary & technology 10 Oct 2014 06:54 am

Pluto’s redemption

Word on the street — the cosmological street — is that Pluto is on its way back to full planetary status.

Some learned eggheads at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics recently held a debate on the topic of “what a planet is.” Apparently they had already answered more burning questions, such as “what to do with a mate who squeezes toothpaste from the center of the tube” and “why some grown men like ‘My Little Pony.’”

These muckety mucks disagreed with the International Space Union, which voted eight years ago that Pluto wasn’t the largest body in its orbit and hence could not be a planet. The best Pluto could hope for, according to the ISU, was dwarf-planet status.

Harvard’s disagreement is couched in a game of semantics. A planet, sez Harvard, is “a culturally defined word that changes over time.” Basically, this means that people can call anything they want a planet as long as they can get other folks to agree with them. This is similar to the way I try to get my wife to call me “sire” in public because she can pretend it means whatever she wants (”jerk,” more than likely) and I can pretend it’s her acknowledgement of my inherent royalty.

Restoring Pluto’s planethood plays into the American myth of redemption. There Pluto was, orbiting the sun like its eight big brothers, lending its name to cartoon dogs and not bothering anybody, when wham! the ISU demotes it. It’s like the dedicated wage slave who gets sacked after 30 years of service so the boss can continue to live in his McMansion and vacation in Kauai.

Nobody asked the public’s opinion. We didn’t get to vote, and it didn’t even take a bunch of Republicans six months of legal maneuvering to change the hours at the polls. All it took was a few people with a whole bunch of letters at the end of their names to burst Pluto’s planetary bubble.

Then, out of nowhere, along comes Harvard in the bottom of the ninth with six yards to go to a first down, three strokes behind on the 18th hole, to make an incredible basket by waving its magic wand, sprinkling its pixie dust and saying, “Thou good and faithful servant, thou mayst be a planet once more.”

Instant redemption.

If Pluto were reinstituted as a planet, schoolkids would no longer need to pause awkwardly at Neptune when reciting the names of all bodies in our solar system, shuffling their feet and sticking fingers into their noses while some octogenarian screams, “What about Pluto, ya whippersnapper? Ya forgot Pluto!”

If Pluto were reinstituted as a planet, the family of Venetia Burney, who at age 11 in 1930 had the honor of suggesting the name for the newly discovered planet, could rest secure that her life’s major accomplishment was not in vain. She didn’t just name some floating rock in space — as she thought when she died in 2009 — but an actual, honest-to-goodness planet.

If Pluto were reinstituted as a planet, when the New Horizons probe passes by there in July, it won’t be sending back Kodaks of some cosmic piece of driftwood, but rather portraits of one of the solar system’s major players, suitable for framing. It’s the difference between taking selfies with your weird Uncle Jack, who collects belly-button lint and likes to touch his nose with his tongue, and having your picture taken with George Clooney or Beyonce.

Apparently, however, the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, as august a body as it may be (even if it met in mid-September), is not the final arbiter of Pluto’s fate. That decision rests with the ISU, which is maybe too busy to deal with the Pluto problem. Instead, I imagine it has its hands full stamping out controversy from another planetary faux pas.

To wit: Why is it that no matter how we pronounce “Uranus,” it always sounds dirty?

chris.schillig@yahoo.com

cschillig on Twitter

Commentary & Family life & Writing 04 Oct 2014 03:41 pm

Strap yourselves in

I had the opportunity to speak to a writers’ group over the summer, and I hope I didn’t scare them away from the craft.

They were a wonderful audience, although hard-up for guest speakers if they had to invite me. My goal was simple: not to send any of them screaming into the street, breaking pencils and smashing keyboards and vowing never to write again.

They thought writing is great fun, an outlet for pent-up creativity. Most of the time, I feel that way too. But when ideas won’t come, writers without regular deadlines can step away for a day or so, no harm no foul.

Writers on deadline don’t have this luxury. Even when ideas aren’t there and words won’t come, fingers must keep pushing keys or pencils pressing paper. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of muscle memory, typing the same words over and over until something new squeezes out.

Somebody asked about writer’s block. I said I don’t believe in it. I subscribe to the William Zinsser theory. In his must-read book, “On Writing Well,” Zinsser treats writer’s block like a myth. Plumbers don’t suffer from plumber’s block, carpenters don’t have carpenter’s block. They just do the job.

I told the group that when I can’t come up with the words but know that a column is due, I mentally strap myself into a chair in front of a computer and tell myself that I won’t stand up again until I’ve completed a draft.

I’ve never had to literally strap myself into a chair, but the day may come. For now, I tell myself that I can get up and get a drink, eat a snack or use the bathroom only after I’ve written an allotted number of words. If that happens in 20 minutes, great. If it happens in three hours, not so great.

Is this fun? No. Is it productive? Most of the time. Good for my bladder? Assuredly not.

Procrastination in writing is like procrastination in most things, I suppose. When most of us face an unpleasant task, we find other things that must be done first. Need to make that tough call and eat crow over something you’ve said? Suddenly, Fibber McGee’s closet beckons, or the attic must be cleaned, or the sink screams for scouring.

I go through a whole series of maneuvers before I reach the writing “strap-in” point, which I call writing crow instead of eating it. Usually, I do tasks I hate even more, but ones that require little concentration. If I’m mowing or sweeping or, heaven forbid, waxing the car, I’m avoiding a particularly rough topic.

I used to fool myself when I did these things, saying that they really needed to be done. Now I’m honest: I’m ducking out on writing, I’ll say, but only until 10 a.m. Or noon. Or whatever time I select.

When I do start to write, though, I don’t get up until I’m done. Usually, the morning is my best time. But I’ll sit there all day long if I have to, trying not to fiddle too much on Facebook or Twitter and often failing. I’m only human.

One weird writing tick I possess is a reluctance to move on to a new sentence until the one before it is as good as it can be. This often means that when I’m done with a column, I’m really done, because I’ve pored over it dozens of times, one sentence at a time, until I reach the end. My first finished draft is often simultaneously my 31st draft.

While I tell my students that there is no wrong way to write, except not to do it, I also tell them that my method is one of the worst. It’s easy to work for hours and have only two or three paragraphs to show for your efforts. Two or three perfect paragraphs, but far from a finished piece.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t go back later — a day or two, at least — and revise. Revision is, for me, the part of writing that is true joy. I especially like to peel away excess words and rewrite sentences when the piece I’m revising is so old that I can barely remember writing it. That’s when I’m most honest, when I can effect the most changes. Sadly, I seldom sit on a piece that long.

So why am I telling you this today? Because I’ve been sitting here for hours already, and I really have to use the bathroom. And now I can.

chris.schillig@yahoo.com

cschillig on Twitter

Originally published Oct. 2, 2014, in The Alliance Review.